How the robin and the owl solved their conflict?

Eric Tan NH, PhD.

A serious conflict arose between a robin and an owl.  Both birds wanted to own the same big, tall and shady tree as their home.  After some arguing, the wise owl thought of a neat solution, “Since you are a robin and sleep during the night, you can have the tree as your home during the night.  As for me, since I sleep in the day, I will claim this tree my home during the day.” 

This compromise pleased the robin, which chirped, “You sleep during the day.  That is not normal.  How strange you’re!”

Immediately, the patient owl responded, “No, I’m not strange—just being different!”

The above story illustrates two principles.  First, a compromise or a win/win situation often satisfies both parties.  Second, being different should not be regarded as being strange.  Instead, let us learn to celebrate diversity.

More than often, conflicts have little to do with theology, secularism, humanism, or occult.  Far more insidious, however, is our inability to work together, to function harmoniously and creatively, and to constructively manage conflicts when they erupt.  The fulfillment of the IntegraCD (Integral Community Development) necessitates that the community recognizes conflicts for what they are, prevent them where possible, and confront them when necessary.  Conflicts are real and they can destroy the community.  They must not be ignored, but addressed purposefully and authoritatively by the respective church.  Preventing potential conflicts certainly requires an equipped leadership.

As mediators, we need to remind ourselves the following:

1.                  Defuse conflicts before they explode:  Keep irascible temper away.  Do not wait.  Some conflicts explode before the first shot is fired.  Conflicts that are full-blown are too difficult to manage. 

2.                  Call for several working sessions:  Insist on full attendance.  Agree that those who are absent will forfeit the privilege of participating in the decision-making.  Solution for the sake of quick agreement can become worse than agreement that is worked out carefully over some time.

3.                  Enforce the following ground rules before permitting each party to talk: No shouting, no name calling, no personal attacks, no gossiping, no scapegoating, no verbal abuse, and no hitting.

4.                  Listen to both parties’ complaints:  Mediating leaders should have an open mind and a listening ear.  Ensure everyone is heard.  Limit those who talk too much and encourage those who are silent to speak.

5.                  Do not take sides:  We can negotiate conflicts more successfully by being neutral and impartial.  Avoid making hasty judgments.  If possible, refrain from using language of right and wrong.  Do not become emotional as emotions can sometimes cloud our judgment.

6.                  If there are a few issues involved, handle one issue at a time:  Do not muddle the issues by dragging in irrelevant arguments.

7.                  Help the parties involved to resolve their conflicts:  If possible, do not try to resolve the conflicts for them, but assist them to resolve. In almost every problem are the seeds of its solution.

8.                  Encourage the gentle-answer approach:  A firm but calm voice will have a cooling and controlling effect, whereas an angry voice will only fuel the fire of conflict.

9.                  Talk in specifics:  That is, avoid talking in generalities.

10.              Speak the truth in love:  When people quarrel, some truth is always lost.  Call for open, factual, and honest communication.  Frankness often offends, but it should not when spoken in love.  Truth frees but often hurts.

11.              Emphasize that they have more in common than differences.

12.              Underscore the fact that it is possible to agree to disagree without being disagreeable:  Conflicts can be seen as working through a difference of opinions.  However, avoid personalizing differences.  Individuals involved in conflicts should check their attitude, “Do I have a wide tolerance, and a sincere respect for opinions that are not mine?”  By the way, no two people think alike on everything.  The need to be right at all times, which is a strong drive in most of us, is also one of main causes of conflicts.

13.              If someone is charged with inappropriate behavior or poor performance, it is only fair to him or her to know whom his or her accuser is, the details of the complaint and is given an opportunity to respond to his or her accuser.

14.              Use humor to defuse a tense situation:  Humor has a unique way of bringing people together.  For example, an African/Kikuyu proverb describes conflicts as “When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.”  Yes, when conflicts take its toll, others are affected.

15.       Strive for peace:  Give peace a chance to work.  Blessed are those who give up arguments for the sake of peace.

16.       Be friendly, fair and firm when resolving conflicts.

17.       Instead of judging, forgive:  “To err is human; to forgive is divine.”  Let the past be past.  It is time to stop dredging bitter, buried memories; instead it is time for healing of wounds and moving forward.